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Saturday, 14 January 2012


Women With Big Breasts…

- can get a taxi on the worst days

- have a neat place to carry spare change

- have always been the centre of the arts

- can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub

- usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie

- always float better

- know where to look first for lost earrings

- rarely lack for a slow dance partner

- have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women With Small Breasts…

- don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public

- always look younger

- find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap

- can always see their toes and shoes

- can sleep on their stomachs

 -have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars

 -know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts

- can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle

- can take an aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out

Tuesday, 10 January 2012


1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the weather channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 14.

9. Cargo pants and a singlet no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those bloody kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Your uncle feels comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time your local McDonald's closes.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Hills Science Diet.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a bucket of KFC at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the chemist for Panadol and Metamucil, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20.A $5.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You prefer to drink with friends at home rather than hang out at a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no, what the hell happened?"

Friday, 6 January 2012


Well we didn’t all die. We didn’t blow up. The world didn’t end. Like some fools had us believe. All that needless panic. Which is a pity because I know for a fact that, based on the world’s demise, some people whose names I won’t mention made significant dents in their credit cards at Queens Plaza and Palazzo Versace thinking they’d never have to pay it off.

Fools. I only made a modest purchase at Chanel. And those sunglasses will never go out of fashion. So it was an investment really. $400 times 10 years of wear works out at a paltry $40 per year. Not even a dollar a week. Sensible.

And I didn’t renew my gym membership. I need the money for my sunglasses.

It’s kinda weird having New Year’s Eve on a Monday night. Monday nights are usually terrible things. You’re tired because it’s the first work day of the week, and the fun of the weekend is still lingering. You’re out of food, because you ate it all at the weekend and haven’t had the energy to shop for more. There’s crap on television, there’s all the washing from the weekend to fold, and you realise there’s another four long days before you get another respite.

Terrible things, Monday nights.

Except for tonight. It’s party night. I’ve got my champers at hand as I blog, and my mind is cast back to the year that was 2012.

It was my first full calendar year of being married. And weren’t there some surprise weddings this year! I didn’t even know Ashton Kutcher was friendly with Dawn French, let alone getting engaged to her. But then, I guess after the whole Demi thing, he seriously has a thing for older women.

And Shane and Liz, oh dearie me. They broke Kim Kardashian’s 72-day record by 43 days. Helen Keller could have seen that one coming. Outright winners. The only white Liz should have worn this year was her self-styled bikini.

And Elle Macpherson finally took George Clooney’s bachelor status away. Well, I guess it makes sense that the two most beautiful people in the world would want to keep all those lovely genes in the family. Is Elle too old to have another kid? It would look cuter than Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.

Speaking of those Jolie-Pitt’s, I knew Brad would eventually marry Angelina. I was just a tad surprised when he took her name. Brad Jolie just doesn’t conjure up the same image. Ange sure does wear the pants, obviously to protect her testicles. But who am I to comment on what goes on behind chapel doors.

I must say I was a bit shocked to read that Britney is taking dance lessons from Justin Beiber. I thought he was her son. Although I did read that she refuses to cut her hair into that ridiculous style. A small mercy. A big mercy is that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are both incarcerated with parole not due until 2018. I’m loving the Los Angeles judge who made that call. Don’t drink drive next time you pair of nits.

I think 2012 was the year for weight loss. Apparently Victoria Beckham turned sideways and completely disappeared from view. Jennifer Hudson now weighs 17kgs but Katie Holmes got back up to 25. Nicole Kidman is somewhere in the middle, which is disturbing because she’s like 100 feet tall.

It's a good thing Catherine Middleton had twin girls this year, otherwise she could have ended up Victoria-esque as well. Man, she was so thin she was heading that way. But carrying around two 9-pounders certainly beefed our future Queen up a bit. I really like their names, Charlene and Charmaine. Apparently it’s part of Kate and Will's attempt to be regular people. The last time I heard the name Charlene was when Kylie Minogue was on neighbours but I’m in no position to judge.

Now let’s hope that William’s tilt to change that throne succession law is successful. I look forward to being ruled by Queen Charlene. Got a nice ring to it.

Weren’t the Olympics sensational! Did you manage to get over to London to see them? My daughter is working in London so it was a good excuse for Alan and me to pop over. If you can call 30 hours travel time a “pop”. Thorpie showed those nay-sayers by smashing his own record for 200 metres. And it was great to see Lisa Curry in the pool again too, hot on the heels of her success in Celebrity Apprentice. I’ve always liked Lisa.

Thank goodness Lleyton won bloody Wimbledon. Now we can all get some sleep. That’s just way too long between drinks. No more listening to him badgering and whinging and making up excuses. You did it son, it was great, now leave it be while you’re at the top.

And on the local front, here in Australia, how do you find our new prime minister, Ms Jessica Rudd? I think she’s a natural. She’s got her father’s political nous, her mother’s business sense, and her hair always looks fabulous. Such a nice change from all that red we had smothering our television screens.

And with Mark Bouris as treasurer, we’re in good hands Australia.

Here’s cheers to 2013.