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Tuesday, 3 August 2010


In a few weeks, the people of Australia are off for a spot of poll dancing. We should be good at it by then; after all, we’ve been watching our own aspring pollies doing their version of Dancing with the Voters. A few steps forward, a few steps back, then a quick succession of side steps.

We’re going to have to decide who we want to be on top Down Under: a lady who it appears has her roots done every three days (that’s waaaay too much maintenance) or a bloke who isn’t ashamed to flaunt his crown jewels in a pair of budgie smugglers (that’s waaaay too much information).

Why do politicians tell us they represent a party, when there doesn’t seem to be anything akin to a party going on. I don’t see bottles of champagne and Vodka in the press gallery. I don’t hear Abba or the Bee Gees playing in the background of their radio ads. I haven’t even seen Tony Abbott get a bit pissed and sidle up to Julia for a disco pash.

To join one of their so-called parties, you have to pay money. No wonder they don’t have many friends. “Hi, please come to my party, it will cost you $250.” I don’t think so.

Just once, just once, could we please have a prime minister who is a bit of a spunk?

Julia looks just like a man would look if he were a woman. Julia, could we get a frock happening? You’re a chick, you’re running for PM, have some fun with it.

Tony mercifully isn’t carrying an unsightly middle-aged paunch (phew…) but he has that slightly vacant, slightly dumb look about him. Like, if you said something witty, really really witty, you’d just have to explain it to him.

Wayne Swan looks like he should still be wearing a Churchie uniform, or taking a bookkeeping course at TAFE. Joe Hockey needs a week at boot camp.

Now, President Obama is a full-on spunk. Have you seen his arse? He’s fit, smart, articulate, devoted and he gives great speech. And he sneaks out the back for a fag every now and then. Love it.

When Barrack was running for president, he melted the hardened hearts of America by saying, "You came here because you believe in what this country can be. In the face of war, you believe there can be peace. In the face of despair, you believe there can be hope."

What does Julia give us? “I am utterly committed to the service of our people.” Zzzzzz. I feel inspired. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Etc.

Now George W may have been a bit of a fluffer, but he said some highly amusing things. I think this man familiarised himself with military protocol by watching F-Troop re-runs. I wonder if he lampooned for an annual “take your dad to work” day?

What about when he said, “Border relations between Canada and Mexico have been been better.” Skip geography did ya Georgie-boy?

Or, "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace."

OK, thanks for that clarification.

I wonder if the days of charismatic presidents died when Ronald Reagan left the Oval Office. His acting skills alone got him through some sticky moments.

The founder of Reaganomics, ender of the Cold War and bomber of Libya said some pretty funny things. Clever things. "I hope you're all Republicans," he asked the surgeons as he entered the operating room following the 1981 assassination attempt.

Or "I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency - even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting."

Imagine Tony Abbott saying that!?

At least here in Australia we’ve got a girl running in the ranks. She's no Maggie Thatcher, but she's a girl. When it was all men, it was frustrating because their campaigns were full of promises and pleadings that never eventuated. As men do.

“Yes darling, I’ll mow the lawn before the weekend.” “Yes honey, I’ll be home in time for the parent-teacher interview.” “Yes, people of Australia, I will fix the public health system.”

Well, we should know who’s our boss by the time we wake up on Sunday 22 August. Let’s just hope whoever gets the top job doesn’t build bridges where there is no river, or confuse free speech with cheap talk.

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